Mauled by Moomins

It was a beautiful sunny day in Moomin valley, the kind of day that you tell your grandchildren about when you’re old.

Moomin however, was not outside like the Moomins we had when we were kids. He was inside playing Batman: Arkham Asylum.

“It’s unhealthy sitting inside all day playing on the Xbox” Said Moominmama.

“Yeah but Snuffkin isn’t back from the Tesco with our beer yet” said Moomin.

“Nevertheless you should be outside. You’ll get a horrible pasty white skin if you stay cooped up inside all day!”

Moominmama obviously didn’t realise that Moomins all have pasty white skin...Maybe she thought that they were black or something.

She threw Moomin outside and told him to go and find something else to do until Snuffkin got back with the beer.

Moomin had a disliking for being outside without having anything to kill, He never felt that the day was complete without violently murdering a celebrity.

“I know” he said, “I’ll go and find someone”

So off Moomin went. Into the hills that Moominmama had warned him to stay away from because of the strange beast (Paris Hilton to you and I) that dwelled there.

Usually Moomin would have been better prepared for an adventure but as Moominmama had thrown him out he didn’t have time to sort out some lunch.

“Doesn’t matter” He thought, “I’ll grab a bit to eat on the way, there’s bound to be a Subway”

As Moomin journeyed into the hills he kept a lookout for TV crews.

As every Moomin knows, Television crews are a sure sign that there’s a celebrity about, and if there was a celebrity about it might mean that Moomin could satisfy the burning in his loins to kill an annoying celebrity.

Coincidentally, That very day, Russell Brand was poncing about in the hills. He was filming a TV series called ‘Yet Another Dumb-Ass TV Show Featuring Russell Brand’

Russell wasn’t keen on the name but the producer insisted that it was either called that or it came with a public health warning.

The show consisted of Russell climbing trees and telling much loved squirrels that he had been sleeping with their grand-daughter and just a lot of general Russell Brand style of crapness.

Moomin didn’t realise that Russell Brand was in the hills so he wasn’t looking for him.

On his travels Moomin bumped into Little My who wasn’t best pleased with being bumped into.

“Watch where you’re fucking going you white bastard” She shouted at him.

“Sorry, I didn’t see you there. You’re very tiny” Moomin replied.

After some rather colourful words directed toward Moomin she finally accepted his apology (£500 and a year’s subscription to World Of Warcraft) and accompanied him on his travels.

They stopped for lunch at a conveniently located Subway, The sub of the day was Meatball Marinara.

Little My had lettuce, tomato, cucumber, red onion, jalapeno, green peppers, black olives, sweetcorn and cheese on Italian herbs and cheese with low fat mayo (she was watching her figure)

Moomin had a footlong on honey oat with everything but cheese as all Moomins are lactose intolerant, His chosen sauce was chipotle southwest.

After upgrading to meal deals they continued into the hills where they came across the film crew that was recording that new shit with Russell Brand.

The sight of Russell Brand made Moomin very angry.

“WHY! Do they insist on making more bloody shows with Russell Brand when they could make a new series of Brookside!?” shouted Moomin to Little My.

Little My just looked at Moomin in astonishment at his obvious dislike for Russell Brand. She didn’t like him either but at least he wasn’t Bear Grylls.

Moomin wasn’t going to put up with any more crap TV shows so he decided to put a stop to it right away.

He ran up-to Russell Brand and ripped out his knee-caps which led to Russell Brand falling to the floor in agony.

Scared of what might become of them the film crew ran off and left Russell to his fate. His funeral would get better ratings anyway.

Russell was writhing about on the floor bleeding and just making a mess.

Moomin set fire to his hair and it was gone in seconds due to the sheer amount of hairspray that was contained within Russell’s hair.

“No wonder global warming is so bad with all the aerosols he must get through in a day” Thought an even more enraged Moomin.

As Russell Brand burnt he pleaded with Moomin to spare him.

Moomin had no time for beggars so he ripped Russell Brand limb from limb and then proceeded to eating what little meat there was on his bones.

Little My watched in horror at the sight of Russell Brand’s blackened and bloody dismembered carcass...

“It’s an improvement I suppose”

After Moomin had finished supper he realised that it was time to leave...the Police would be there anytime soon and he wasn’t in the mood for Porridge.

He and Little My, quickly fled from the scene of the massacre, with the souvenir of Russell Brand’s head to mount above the mantle-piece of course.

He returned home later that day and much to his joy Snuffkin had got back from town with the beer.

The Moomins, Little My and Snuffkin sat down to dinner in front of the TV, Complained about the lack of Brookside and ate their dinner.

After dinner, Snuffkin and Moomin headed out to the river to get drunk and play Stairway to Heaven on their guitars.

All in all. It had been a pretty good day for Moomin.

THE END.

The Moomins were getting restless, they'd not killed for a couple of hours and were bored. Then all of a sudden one of the Moomins remembered an annoying weirdo he'd seen on TV  on night when he'd lost the remote and couldn't turn the channel over.

'Bear Grylls! Yes! We should get him!' He excitedly exclaimed, 'he really pisses me off!'

'Yes, I remember him!' replied another moomin, 'he's the dick that drinks his own wizz and eat anything he comes across... has he not heard of Tesco?'

'I'm sure he has, but why pay for nice food when you can eat yak's eyes and drink water from an unspecified source?!' said the first Moomin.

'Ah, yes' mused the second Moomin, 'Didn't he start out life as a tramp until that film crew started following him around?'

'Something like that' replied the first Moomin, 'He's very shit, if we kill him the TV people might bring back a better programme instead, like Brookside!'

Yeah! Brookside! cheered the group of Moomins 'Let's find him and kill him quick!'

The Moomins quickly found Bear Grylls by a tree, they knew that was a good place to look first. He was crouching down in the mud by a pile of leaves he made his home. Weird though, he had a hotel key card sticking out of his rucksack... odd...

The Moomins slowly made their way towards the unsuspecting Bear...

All at once they pounced on Bear, he fought back hard, must be all of that nin-judo-yoga stuff he does... They chased poor Bear playing with him as a cat does it's prey, laughing and hissing as they went.

He didn't stand a chance, guess there's some things an ex-scout, ex-SAS, ex-secret service, survival expert can't survive...

... that'll be Moomins.

They stored his head for later and gave it a wash in a way they tought Bear would like...

The End